Election night...A Little Death
I sit here, 12:10 A.M going into November 6th. At the exact moment I am writing this, Harris is trailing Trump 210 to 247. Its still too early to call either one the victor. But its looking to be a Trump victory. I know we won’t know anything until morning, and even then we won’t fully know and there will be recounts and other things to try and make sure every vote is counted accurately.
I am filled with enough anxiety that my body hurts. My stomach, my heart…chaos. My Husband and my Aunt got into it tonight. I won’t bring the family drama into this post as ultimately it is irrelevant. But it wounds me. She made the same tired claims, backed by absolutely zero evidence, that Biden allowed so many illegals come into the country and gives them thousands of dollars in benefits all the while tax payers like she and my husband can’t get any help. Then asked a question I wish I had been closer to where they were to answer. “You want your tax dollars to go to them while you get nothing?”
I felt my blood pressure shoot through the roof because yeah if feeding someone fleeing a war zone and making sure they have access to a doctor should they need one here then I don’t care if my taxes did go to their aid (Even though they don’t and you need a valid SSN to apply for government benefits, at least the kind she is claiming they can get willy nilly). Like the fact you can look at these people and call them illegal…it makes me absolutely sick. What has she done to be more deserving than they? Because she was born on this dirt and they were born on different dirt? That was by no way something she achieved it was a happenstance. Had the wheel of fortune turned a bit differently, she may very well be the one regarded as illegal (and in some eyes is).
I have my husband, our fur children, and of course my Mom and Step-Dad…but otherwise I am absolutely completely alone here in the middle of Trump Country. I don’t feel safe. This town has White Supremacist rallies (I am not sure if it’s the Klan or another white nationalist group but there’s no difference in my eyes), in addition to being close to where a very well known hate crime committed against an African American man occurred. This is not a safe place for people like me. My own Aunt and even my little Brother have shown that they don’t care about the repercussions of this election mean to me and my Husband. They have very literally been taken by the Cult and while my Mother doesn’t support it, she is the peacemaker and doesn’t want to rock the boat. Which in no way helps me.
So now I sit here scared to death about what to do if it does actually shake out to be a Trump victory. How will I flee north? My husband and I quite literally have NO savings, and are struggling to make ends meet on his current income plus my Social Security. So what do I do? I have already made the choice to halt my transition and undo the progress I have made at living authentically, and I will go back to how things were, because at least Queer is preferable to Trans in this area, but that only buys so long. But like I said to my husband, it’s more important to me to stay alive, than to live authentically and not. And that hurts on a level I can’t convey.
As I look up now I see, as of now, Georgia has gone to Trump. I can’t deal with anymore tonight so I will leave it here. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I am hopeful we will all make it together.